


A Real Man

by inner_tempest



Category: The Halcyon (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:54:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26143684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inner_tempest/pseuds/inner_tempest
Summary: The two sat in silence for a bit, and then a bit longer.  Both men’s gazes were intently in their laps, neither knowing what to say or do.  Toby just wanted to scream, wanted to shake some sense into Adil.  They could try again.  This time they’d get it right.Adil couldn’t find the right words.  How much he loved Toby, but how much Toby hadbrokenhim.  There was no going back.  Not now, not like this.“What will you do now?” Toby finally asked, voice barely above a whisper.Adil gave a half shrug.  “I don’t know.  Maybe move.  Maybe I’ll enlist.  I’ve got to get away from here, Toby.”“Away from me.”
Relationships: Toby Hamilton/Adil Joshi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	A Real Man

**Author's Note:**

> Little one-shot that's probably terrible, but I just needed to write a period piece. XD  
> Un-beta-ed. Sorry.  
> I hope it's still enjoyable. XD

“I love you, I love you.”

Toby was sobbing as he and Adil embraced on the stairs outside Adil’s apartment. He couldn’t hold him tight enough, couldn’t stop repeating the words. This was _his_ doing. Because of his words. Words that were meant to sting, not drive the man he loved to suicide. But there they were. And Toby couldn’t stop crying, though when they heard someone coming down the stairs, the two men knew they had to move back into the apartment.

The only sound was both men still crying and Adil’s coughing. Toby steered Adil onto the bed, helping him sit down as if he was made of glass. Coughs still wracked Adil’s body, and Toby had never felt so helpless in his life.

“Can I get you anything?”

Adil shook his head, looking down at his hands, twisting together in his lap. “No.”

“Adil, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Toby sat down beside the man, looking at him. “I didn’t mean to-”

“But you _did_ , Toby.”

Toby had nothing to say to that. He knew what he had done, what he had said. There was no taking it back now. And he was beginning to think that even confessing his love, both of them knowing they loved each other…just wasn’t going to be enough.

“Why did you come after me?” Adil sounded genuinely curious.

“I couldn’t let you die! I love you, Adil…I couldn’t…I couldn’t…”

“After everything you said and did?”

“I had to get you out of the hotel. Make sure you were safe. I…”

It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t ever going to be enough.

“Toby…”

“Can we try again?”

Toby had the attitude of a privileged aristocrat. That was all he had ever known. When he wanted things to go his way, he expected them to go his way. But he should have known it wouldn’t carry him through all of this. What he and Adil had, this bright flame…it was dying. And it was all Toby’s fault.

“It doesn’t work that way, Toby,” Adil said softly. Toby could hear the pain in Adil’s voice, and it broke his heart.

The two sat in silence for a bit, and then a bit longer. Both men’s gazes were intently in their laps, neither knowing what to say or do. Toby just wanted to scream, wanted to shake some sense into Adil. They could try again. This time they’d get it right.

Adil couldn’t find the right words. How much he loved Toby, but how much Toby had _broken_ him. There was no going back. Not now, not like this.

“What will you do now?” Toby finally asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Adil gave a half shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe move. Maybe I’ll enlist. I’ve got to get away from here, Toby.”

“Away from me.”

The tears were starting again, not that either man looked up to see the other crying. “Away from _here_ , Toby.”

“Write me. Please say you’ll write me.”

Adil finally looked up. “I can’t, Toby. I can’t. Please, don’t…make this harder than it already is.”

Toby’s heart shattered into a million pieces. “Right. Of course not,” he finally looked over to Adil, resting his hand over the other man’s. “I’m sorry, Adil. For everything. And I _do_ love you. More than anything. And I always will. I will never find someone I love more than you,” he stood, taking one last glance at Adil. “Please tell me before you leave. I would like to say goodbye.”

This should have been goodbye, but Toby couldn’t bear the thought of Adil going off to fight without telling him first.

Many men didn’t come back from the war. It was like losing Adil all over again.

***

“Toby? Toby?”

Toby looked up from his book, seeing his brother leaning against the makeshift bar. Construction on the Halcyon had already started, which meant a bar that gave Toby the chance to drink away all his troubles.

“Hello, Freddie,” he said, looking down at his glass. “I was just having a…”

“Looks like more than the first,” Freddie took the glass away. “What’s going on with you, Toby? Mother called…she said you’ve been doing miserably. I know the bombing traumatized us all, but-”

Tom, the newly appointed head barman glanced over at Toby and Freddie. “Lord Hamilton, can I get you something?”

Freddie looked at the mostly filled glass of whisky in his hand. “I’m fine, Tom. Thank you.”

Tom nodded, going over to a couple at the other end of the bar. Toby and Freddie stared at each other in silence. Their relationship had been getting better, but there were still moments that felt a bit off. “It’s not just the bombing is it?” Freddie finally asked quietly.

Toby looked down at the bar counter. He wished it was Adil behind the bar, giving Toby glances that only he could interpret. Their subtle flirting, the way their fingers would touch as Adil slid over a glass.

“I can’t tell you here,” Toby looked around. There was no one else at the bar, though as soon as he said it, Toby wished he could take his words back.

He was a Hamilton. He wouldn’t end up in jail. But he would be sent to a clinic. A conversion clinic. He’d come out a straight man. He’d have a wife and children, and forget all about Adil.

So what did it matter if he told Freddie about Adil? If Toby was to be sent away, at least this weight could be lifted.

“What do you mean you can’t tell me here?” Freddie’s eyebrows furrowed.

“I can’t…please, come to my room with me.”

Toby’s anguish was so tangible, Freddie didn’t think twice. He sat the glass of whisky back on the counter, and the two walked in silence to the lift. Toby played with his signet ring, his nerves shot. Might as well get this over with.

When they entered Toby’s room, Toby locked the door. Freddie sat on one of the chairs by the table, but Toby couldn’t sit down. He started pacing, his whole body shaking.

“God, Toby…what’s going on?”

“Please don’t…I…” this was it. Toby was ruining his chance at a happy ending for telling his twin. He’d read about conversion therapy…it seemed much more terrifying now that it was in his future. “I had a lover.”

Freddie furrowed his eyebrows. “Toby, that’s…wonderful! Why didn’t you tell me? Tell mother?”

Toby took a deep breath. “Because he was a man.”

A shocked silence enveloped Freddie’s whole body. Toby stopped pacing to stare at his twin, eyes wide.

This was it.

“Oh,” Freddie let out a long breath. “Okay.”

“ _Okay_?”

“Well…it’s not like I haven’t had my suspicions over the years,” Freddie admitted. “You never showed any interest in girls. And I suppose there were moments where I…thought I saw something, but played it off as nothing.”

“Saw something?”

“It was Mr. Joshi, wasn’t it?”

Toby’s jaw dropped. He stood behind a chair, gripping the back of it. “How did you-”

“I told you, I saw things. But…there always seemed to be some explanation. Not the obvious one. But…Mr. Joshi has enlisted. Did he not feel the same in the end?”

After a few moments of deep breathing, Toby dropped heavily into the chair. “He…the night of the bombing, he tried to kill himself. I had said some terrible things to him, and… _God_ , I was hoping so hard he wouldn’t believe the lies, but it was too much, I suppose. That’s why I wasn’t at the hotel. I ran to his flat, I saved him. But in the end…it wasn’t enough.”

Freddie looked at Toby thoughtfully. “You loved him?”

Toby nodded mutely.

“And he loved you?”

Another mute nod.

“Then why-”

“Like I said, it wasn’t enough,” Toby was crying again, wiping his eyes furiously, not wanting Freddie to see his tears. “And now he’s gone forever and I don’t even know what to do,” the tears were falling too quickly for him to hide. “I know you…mother…you’re going to send me away. You’re going to try and _fix_ me. Make me a real man, marry me off…”

There was so much pain and anger in Toby’s voice that Freddie actually cringed. “Toby-”

“But I’m not broken, Freddie! This is just who I am!”

“Toby-”

“And I don’t want to be a real man. I can’t live that life, I don’t want to change who I am-”

“Toby!”

Toby’s mouth snapped shut and he looked at his twin meekly. “Yes?” he managed after a moment.

“I’m not going to send you away. I’m not going to tell mother either. This is your life, and if you say this is just who you are, then I don’t want to change that either.”

Toby looked at Freddie, eyes wide. “You…you don’t?”

“No, Toby,” Freddie leaned forward. “I want you to be happy. Whether you wait until Mr. Joshi comes back and try again or if you find someone else. That’s all I care about.”

With a shaky breath, Toby pulled his knees up to his chest. “I miss him so much,” he whispered. “I can’t stop loving him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop loving him.”

Freddie leaned over, carefully putting a hand on Toby’s knee. “Then do what you must, Toby. Wait for him to come back. War changes you. Maybe you _can_ try again.”

“Your optimism is very overwhelming,” Toby admitted.

“If two people are meant to be…there will always be a way.”

“You really think so?”

“Absolutely.”

“And you’re really not going to send me away?”

“No, Toby.”

“What will we say to mother? She gets so…over zealous about marrying me off.”

“We’ll figure something out. Don’t worry about that for now.”

Toby stared at Freddie for another moment before the dam broke and he started crying again. “God,” he choked out. “You have no idea how much of a relief it is to tell someone. To get this off my shoulders.”

“You’re my twin, Toby,” Freddie said warmly. “I love you no matter what. I know I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but I’m always here for you. No matter what it’s about.”

Toby buried his face in his hands, his whole body shaking with his sobs. “Thank you, Freddie. Thank you so much. _God_ , thank you so much.”

Freddie sat silently by Toby’s side as he cried, his hand still resting on his brother’s knee. Neither man knew how long it had taken for Toby to come down from the intense emotions, but even as Toby was just sniffling, Freddie sat with him.

But Toby wasn’t being sent away. He wasn’t going to be married off to the richest lady that came their way. Even if nothing else was right, he supposed this was something of a start.

***

The front was more horrific than Adil could have imagined. Stories of war did nothing to prepare one for the actual thing.

Every day, he was sure he was going to die.

Adil wrote a letter to Toby every day. He didn’t send any of them, though. He couldn’t. Even though he still longed for his former lover, there was no fixing things. But the large stack of letters remained tied up in his bag, along with a note on the top saying that, if Adil was to die, the letters had to be mailed. He had written the address of the Halcyon clearly. These couldn’t get lost.

At least the men he fought beside had developed some sort of camaraderie. They were good me, and even though Adil mostly kept to himself, he appreciated what they were developing as well.

As with most nights, Adil sat outside, looking up at the stars. He couldn’t help but wonder if Toby was too, all the way in London. Did Toby even think about Adil anymore? Although he had claimed over and over that he loved Adil, the words he had said still stung. Surely Toby had moved on. He could, be it to another man or a rich aristocratic lady that his mother instructed upon.

All the thoughts pained Adil. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about Toby Hamilton. He couldn’t stop _loving_ Toby Hamilton.

“Adil?”

Adil looked up. One of his fellow soldiers, Charles, had separated from the group and was settling himself beside Adil. “Hello, Charles,” Adil said politely. He didn’t especially want company, but he didn’t want to say it and sound rude.

“You’re always out here looking at the stars. What’s up there?”

“My old life.”

Charles raised an eyebrow curiously. “Your old life? What, everything you left behind in London?”

Adil nodded. “Do you think they’re looking at the same stars?”

“I think London is too smoggy and bright for them to see the stars.”

Adil managed a small smile. “I suppose that’s true.”

“What’s her name?”

“Pardon?”

“The girl you left behind. I know a pining man when I see one.”

There was a familiar pain in Adil’s heart when he thought about Toby. This moment was no different. And then he figured he might as well tell Charles. Jail might actually be a step up from the front. “Not a girl,” Adil finally mumbled.

Charles studied him. “Fine. What’s _his_ name?”

Adil’s head snapped up at the other man’s words. “I…” he flushed deeply. “How did…”

“You didn’t really think you were the only one, did you?”

Well…Adil _had_. That was why he never said anything about it.

“I guess I didn’t…know.”

Charles shifted a little closer. “You must miss him a lot.”

“I…”

“Maybe I can help.”

And with that, Charles leaned over, pressing his lips to Adil’s.

At first, Adil couldn’t help but kiss him back. It felt nice to be kissing someone again. But then he realized it was all wrong. Toby’s lips were always tangy and rough from constantly being bitten…Charles’s lips were smooth. And as Charles’s tongue ran along the seam of Adil’s lips, he tasted all wrong.

Adil jumped back. He didn’t want to kiss anyone other than Toby. Even with everything that had happened. “Charles, I’m sorry, I-”

Charles looked at Adil, his face a mix of humor and doubt. “Seems like you miss him more than you really realize.”

Looking down, Adil took a deep breath. “Yeah. I guess I do.”

He didn’t lift his gaze, not even when he heard Charles get up and leave him alone to his thoughts once again.

***

Toby sat in his mother’s room, watching her choose jewelry for the night. She had called him in earlier, saying she had something to talk to him about.

Toby knew exactly what that meant.

“Evelyn Bellamy is quite excited to meet you, Toby,” Priscilla said waspishly, looking through a jewelry box filled with bracelets. “I’ve told Lord and Lady Bellamy all about you. We’re all quite sure you two will get along.”

“I have no interest in getting married,” Toby said flatly. “I’m much more concerned about my work.”

“And see where all that got you!”

“Mother! Things were figured out. May I remind you who-”

“Stop this,” Priscilla scolded.

Toby always knew how to get to his mother. He hated playing dirty most of the time, but sometimes the situation called for it. D’Abberville was a bad subject in general, but sometimes Toby had to go there.

“Just spend some time with her,” Priscilla begged. “Darling, I just want to see you happy.”

Toby’s thoughts drifted to Adil, somewhere on the front lines. Risking his life for a country that was only sort of his. Toby still dreamed about his former lover. Still prayed that maybe he’d come back to him after the war was over. That they could try again.

_How can I possibly be happy when the only person I’ll ever love is gone forever?_

There was a knock on the door.

“Yes?” Lady Hamilton called as Toby tried to sink more into the chair he was sitting in.

“It’s me, mother,” Freddie called out.

The woman went to open the door, a look of joy blooming on her face. Toby pouted. _He_ never got a look like that.

“Freddie! I didn’t know you were coming today!”

“Just for today. I needed to speak with Toby.”

Toby hopped up from the chair he was sitting on. “Of course. Shall we-”

“Evelyn Bellamy!” Priscilla called after them. “Just for a bit, Toby!”

Toby ignored his mother as he and Freddie stood in the hall. Toby looked at his brother inquisitively.

“I asked around, and…” Freddie handed Toby a folded piece of paper.

Toby unfolded it, gasping softly. “Is this…”

“Where you can write to him. Well, as of now. It could change, but I figured…you could give it a try.”

Looking at the paper, Toby felt tears welling up in his eyes. “Thank you, Freddie,” he managed in a choked whisper.

“There’s always a second chance. Look at me and Emma. _Try_ , Toby. Don’t give up.”

Still crying, Toby embraced his brother, a rare occurrence but a deserved one with this. “Freddie, I can’t…express… _God_ , thank you so much.”

Freddie hugged Toby back. “Go…now. I’ll cover for Evelyn Bellamy.”

Toby nodded, heading off to his room in a mad dash.

***

Adil,  
I know we weren’t going to write letters. That it would be too hard for both of us. I know you asked not to, but I had to. Freddie got me the information on where to send it…and even if there’s still no chance for when you return, I had to tell you some things. Things I never got to tell you before everything that happened.

I messed up. God, I know I messed up so bad. But I wanted you out of the way when everything fell apart. You had to be away, I couldn’t bear to see you arrested for treason. So I lied through my teeth about my feelings. I hoped so badly you would see through the lies, but I can also understand why you didn’t.

I knew I loved you the morning I read about the bomb near Paddington. I should have said it then. Maybe this whole mess could have been avoided if I had. But I was a coward. And I’m sorry.

I have dreams. The most beautiful and most tragic dreams where you’re back in my arms. Where we’ve gotten past all the ugly and are trying again. Do you think we could try again? They say time heals all wounds…I know this is a big one, but I still love you. I will never stop loving you, not ever. Is that enough?

It’s been almost three years since I’ve seen your face. I wish I had a picture of you, as I think my imagination is beginning to lose the memory. I don’t want to lose those mental images, Adil. I don’t want to forget your smile, or what it feels like to run my hands through your hair. To kiss you. To be intimate with you. But every day I lose more of it.

Maybe you’ll come back to me after the war ends. It can’t go on forever…but perhaps we can.

Forever loving you,  
Toby

When Adil had seen the return address on the envelope, he had almost ripped it to shreds. But the aching emptiness in his chest had made him open it. He read the letter once. Twice. Three times. That was when the tears started. Toby had always been the one to panic easily, but Adil was feeling like he was about to start down that road.

Because, just as Toby had stated he never stopped loving Adil, _could_ never stop loving him, Adil felt exactly the same. He had realized that far before the letter had came.

This was the final nail in his coffin.

“Adil?”

Adil looked up to see Charles ambling over to him. He didn’t even hesitate when he saw Adil’s tears. “Oh. Hello, Charles.”

“Is everything alright?”

“Everything’s fine.”

Although Adil had made it clear he had no interest in Charles, the other man still tried. It was pointless…something Adil wished Charles would see. “You got a letter. Your family again?”

“Just a friend,” Adil folded the letter back up and put it back in the envelope.

“Must be quite a friend to have you crying like that.”

“Just leave it, Charles.”

“Mmm,” Charles hummed. “A former lover, then.”

Adil stood up. Charles was significantly taller than him, but Adil had long given up on being afraid. He had faced much worse. “Like I said…just leave it.”

Charles put his hands up in a sign of surrender. “Of course, Adil.”

Adil stalked to the barracks, letter held tightly in his hand. Once he was back in his bed, he was crying again, tracing the words in the letter. He knew Toby, knew how carefully he spoke and articulated. For him to write a letter like this…the task must have been herculean. But he had done it, and…that meant a lot to Adil.

It had been three years since Adil had seen Toby’s face, and he was starting to lose that as well.

***

And then, just when no one expected, the ward ended.

There was celebrating, of course there was. The allies had won again. Things were going to get better. Sure, Toby found himself out of a job, but he would find another one easily enough.

Toby had endured a few years of his mother pushing Evelyn Bellamy onto him. But, along with Freddie’s help, he had managed to dodge that one. Every day, Toby came downstairs, hoping there was a telegram waiting for him.

Because the war being over meant the men coming home. Meant _Adil_ coming home.

Toby had never heard back from Adil after the letter he sent, and he took that to mean the situation was hopeless. He could take a hint…Adil was done with him. Toby was too much of a coward to write another letter. Most of his hope had long since disappeared. And the little thread that remained couldn’t carry him through. Toby knew this. But that didn’t mean he clung to it as desperately as he could.

It was a brisk day in late September, almost a month since the war had ended. Toby had slept miserably the night before, and even just tying his tie had been a process. He was desperate to get some coffee and try to figure out what he was doing with his day.

As he got to the base of the steps, about to turn into the dining room to join his mother and brother, Toby halted to a stop. He had thought he saw…

Pivoting, Toby laid eyes on the figure near the door. There was no way this was possible. Toby had been pretty sure Adil’s presence in his life was over.

But Adil was there, his army knapsack slung on his shoulder. He was still in uniform, and had a scar running down the side of his face. The two men’s gazes caught, and Toby felt like he couldn’t breathe. He took a few cautious steps forward. Then a couple more. Then he was as close to Adil as he dared.

“Adil?” he whispered.

Adil gave a nervous smile. “Hello…Toby.”

“You’re home!” Toby was filled with joy, almost forgetting that he and Adil weren’t going to be a couple any longer. But seeing him…he just wanted to sweep him up in his arms and kiss him as fiercely as he could. “Oh God, you’re really home!” Toby laughed with joy.

Adil didn’t seem as excited. “Toby-”

“You’ve come back to me!”

Adil shook his head.

And Toby’s entire world crashed. “This is goodbye, isn’t it?”

“Can we go up to your room?”

Toby nodded, trying to fight the tears burning his eyes. Silently, all hope left, he led the way to the lift, through the halls to his room. He unlocked it, ushering Adil in before following, locking the door behind him.

Adil sat in a chair while Toby sat on the edge of the bed, putting a good amount of space between them. It seemed safest.

“You never wrote me back,” Toby said softly, tears starting to drip down his face. “I mean, I know you weren’t obligated to, but…you could have at least told me to stop. That it was really over. All these years…”

“I couldn’t…bring myself to,” Adil blinked rapidly, trying to hold back tears of his own. “I couldn’t say everything I wanted to say. Everything I _needed_ to say. But I realized…when I couldn’t remember your face…I could never say goodbye, Toby. And if you’ll still have me, then I’d like to give this another chance. Give _us_ another chance.”

Toby’s breath hitched. “Really?” he whispered, leaning forward.

Adil stood, kneeling in front of Toby. He took his hands. “Really.”

Even though the tears, Toby’s laugh was clear. “Adil…” he moved from the edge of the bed to the floor, kneeling beside the other man. “I love you, I love you so much.”

He leaned in, kissing Adil with all the stored up passion from the past four years, pulling him closer as they both shifted to a more comfortable position.

There was a knock on the door.

The two men scrambled to get into a less suspicious position. Toby opened the door. “Freddie?”

“Weren’t you coming down to breakfast?” Freddie asked. “Mother wanted to talk to you about-” he cut himself off as he looked over Toby’s shoulder. “Mr. Joshi?”

Adil flushed, trying to compose himself. “Lord Hamilton. It’s very nice to see you. I was just-”

“He knows, Adil,” Toby smiled. “It’s okay. He’s been a great help to me all this time.”

“Thank you,” Freddie said. “For coming home to Toby. Please take good care of him.”

“Of course, Lord Hamilton,” Adil was still looking down.

“I’ll let mother know you’re not feeling well,” Freddie said to Toby. “You two just…do what you need.”

The door shut. Toby locked it again. “I’m very lucky to have him. He didn’t care. Thank God.”

“I can’t believe someone knows about us and they aren’t…”

Toby crossed back over to Adil, kissing him again. “We’ll call for food at some point. For now, I just need to study your face. I don’t ever want to forget it again.”

“You’ll never be in that situation again, Toby,” Adil promised.

Toby took Adil’s face in his hands, staring at him intently. “I love you. God, I love you so much.”

Tears welling up in his eyes again, Adil smiled. “I love you so much too.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know…but we go together.”

The two shared another tender kiss, falling back onto the bed to make up for all the lost moments. There were a lot, but they had a lifetime.

**Author's Note:**

> Usual thank you for kudos and comments! We are small but mighty!


End file.
